Baby Wants Daddy

This will be a quick post.

I know its not a competition between Mommy and Daddy, but within the last few weeks I have noticed Aubs would prefer Daddy.

My heart breaks once again.

There was a time where I was the one that fed her, from my body. I was the one that could get her to sleep. I was the one she would cry for when I left the room.

Now, its Daddy.

This is one of the things I feared most when all this started.

As a mother, I think I/we have a want/need to feel wanted/needed. We maintain this by being/providing the nutrition/comfort/etc. for them. When you strip us of the ability to do these things, we are no longer needed. Others fill this position and that’s who becomes the baby’s #1.

Since my injuries, I quit breastfeeding in hopes to heal quicker. I can’t lay with her to get her to sleep like Daddy and others can. I can’t bathe her or carry her around for the basic purpose to get around the house or for comfort (sometimes she likes she be walked around when she is fussy). When she is restless, I can only handle her for so long before it starts to hurt my back.

I am really trying. I am trying my best and I know I cannot do anything more. I am pushing myself more than I used to. I do see and feel progress.

But it doesn’t change the fact that she cries for Daddy and pushes away from me.

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The Joys of Physical Therapy

Man, it has been awhile since I have been sore. Like, I have been intensely working out kind of sore.

The weird part though, I am sore in my super low abdominal region. Don’t get me wrong, I am sore all over, but down there, man.

My last physical therapy session (yesterday) made my 4th one. I went in and the physical therapist asked me how I felt. The best way to describe my pain: it feels like I had another C-Section. Literally. The pain has been terrible, but he said its normal and will last for about a week. He reassured me that my uterus isn’t ripping back open (although it feels like it is).

I can thank the exercises known as “dead bug” and squats and wall planks for this soreness.

Although it hurts, I can handle it if it makes me stronger. Which I know it is. As long as I do not fracture again or have more back spasms.

Starting at the level I am currently at is tough. Before I got pregnant, I was fairly active. I would do various workout routines at home on my TV and I was going to the gym. I worked in an automotive service center so I would often handle car and truck tires and batteries. I would go fishing and I like to just walk around the woods (I know this isn’t exercise but its an level of activity I cannot currently do).

Fast forward to now, I can barely do half of the things they ask me to do in therapy. Things that I would have breezed through before, have to be modified for me to complete. It does hurt my pride a little bit. I never thought I would be in this position.

I must admit though, I don’t hate going there. I trust this therapist. He has been doing this for 18 years. Everyone in the facility is super nice and helpful. I actually get a few laughs listening to the things the staff and the other patients talk about (many of the patients are far beyond my years).

He says I should be able to take care of my baby in 2-6 months. I do notice slight improvements every few days.

I am able to stand while holding the baby for a few seconds now and I consider that progress.

He also says this is super common and sometimes, people need physical therapy after every baby. I can accept that. Considering the changes your body goes through during the pregnancy process, I can see needing help afterwards.

If I knew what I know now, I would have maybe sought out physical therapy from the beginning and could have prevented some of what has happened. I’ll never know what could have happened. All I know is what has happened and all I can do is accept it and grow from it.

I will admit, I am not 100% mad about all of this. Maybe like 98% mad. I have said before, it has taught me patience and to really cherish my baby more than I think I would have if I had not gone through this.

Anyways. Here is to healing and getting my life back.

P.s. I have started baking macarons. The standing hurts my back but the baking process helps my mental state.

Currently

Alright, now we are pretty much caught up on the major points of the past.

This week I started physical therapy again. I am more hopeful this time. I remember telling my friend I do not want to get my hopes up and she told me, “it may help, it may not, but regardless, being pessimistic won’t help anything”. She has a point there.

Even when my physical therapist was explaining things to me, he said I did not sound too hopeful. It is something I am working on.

In reality, I wouldn’t say I am not hopeful or not optimistic, its like I have to learn how to trust my body again.

I know to most people that doesn’t make sense. Most people don’t think about their bodies and what and how they work and move. When you can’t use your body or do certain things, your body and how it works and moves comes into the spotlight.

Do me a favor, whoever is reading this. Suck in your stomach. Did you have to think much about it? Did you have to think about what muscles you used to do it?

I told the physical therapist that I could not suck in my stomach. He told me I just have to learn how to use those muscles again. It is a weird to think that you have to think about such things.

I guess it would be similar to people who get into accidents and have to learn how to walk.

All in all, this physical therapist said that you have many little muscles in your back. During pregnancy these muscles pretty much quit working. Then you have large muscles that you use for limited movements. My muscle spasms happened because these large muscles got over worked. He said pretty much the same thing as my previous therapist ,but this one showed my pictures and better explained it. He also explained that the muscles in your pelvis relax to let the baby through. I pushed for 3 hours so I am sure they were relaxed and allowing for my pelvis to open. Also, I did end up having a C-Section. This further stretched and weakened my ab muscles. These also support your spine. I think because of this combination, my body just failed at its job to support allowing for my fractures to happen.

Don’t get my wrong, I know the relaxed pelvises, etc., happens to all pregnant people. I am just one of the unlucky ones that had all these issues as a result.

I do feel more confident in the concept of my recovery. Knowing the the muscle situation now and seeing what happened through pictures, I am more comfortable moving my body and regaining my muscle use.

Anyways, here is to healing. After 9 months of pregnancy, 3 months of fighting back pain to take care of my baby and 3 months in a back brace healing from compression fractures, hopefully this is FINALLY the beginning of the end. I am hopeful that I will soon be able to take care of my baby like I always pictured I would.