I Need Her Just As Much As She Needs Me

I know, this post has a long name. However, it is something I have been thinking about lately so it only makes sense for it to be such.

This week I have started keeping Aubs overnight by myself while my husband is at work.

I haven’t done this since she was 2 months old and now she is going on 8 months.

It has been difficult, but I have been managing.

As tiring as it is, this is what I need. This is what I have been craving for the last 6 months.

It is truly an accomplishment to get my baby girl to sleep. She is the hardest to put down.

But, going through this is satisfying that need I have been having to fully be a mother.

The first night I had her, I put her in her crib briefly while I got a bottle ready. You could have swore that I took her favorite toy away. She screamed and cried. The only word she says right now is, momma.

I know it is okay to let them cry for a minute and I know how I treat her, some would call it spoiling her. To be honest though, it is spoiling me just as much as it is “spoiling” her.

The joy and happiness I get from being able to do these things, these simple day to day things, is something I cannot put into words.

I am her momma, she is my baby. If I had no one else and just had her, I would have everything. I know it would be difficult and that sounds super dramatic, but the last few nights I have spent with her, she has become my best friend. No matter how difficult it has been. She is a part of me. I made her. I am entitled to these feelings.

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Changes

This is another quick post. I have to go to physical therapy shortly, I just wanted to note something.

For any fellas that read, I am about to talk about my period so you may want to scroll down or you can read it.

So my first period postpartum is just starting.

I am almost 8 months postpartum. I am not going to lie, I enjoyed not having to worry about it over the last year or so.

But, it is also a reminder of a few things.

For one, it is a reminder that I could not breastfeed as long as I wanted to. My goal was to breastfeed over a year with hopes of making it to 18 months or even 2 years. I ended up stopping at 6 months to try to start to regulate my hormones and to help my bone density increase. (That is one good thing about breastfeeding, it sometimes prevents your period from returning for a little while.)

Ever since I quit breastfeeding in June, I have started a new birth control pill. I was taking the mini pill while I was breastfeeding which is a Progesterone based pill. I have read that Estrogen really helps in the bone building process so I knew I had to switch as soon as possible.

Now all I can do is more hoping my bone density is improving and waiting until my next scan in April to find out.

I am still taking my calcium and vitamin D daily. I go to physical therapy 3 times a week for about and hour and a half and I try to get in another day of exercise. I have cleaned up my diet a bit. I am down to 161 lbs from the 206 lbs I was when I delivered.

I am still weird about my body, but I did have a baby growing in me for 9 months and then 6 months where I couldn’t do any physical activity.

At physical therapy, they have switched up my exercises again. They are getting harder and harder but I am glad that I am able to do them.

This week I plan on keeping the baby by myself overnight for the first time since she was around 2 months old. A lot has changed since then. She is now 19 lbs and we have a bigger house to navigate around. I am excited because this shows improvement, but I must admit I am a little anxious.

I used to get a lot of anxiety with keeping her alone when she was just born and now I will be doing it again. I guess its just the stress and worry that a lot of first time moms have. In a way its like I am just starting all over again.

I had gotten used to the lack of sleep in the beginning. I knew how to push myself to get things done. I have to learn all these things again. I also still have that “is she still breathing” paranoia feeling at night. Even if she sleeps for a span of time I still wake up to check on her and then it takes me forever to get back to sleep. Is this normal at almost 8 months? I am not sure, but then again, I am just about starting all over.

Even though these changes are scary, I welcome them. They are a sign of progress and that I am getting stronger.  Before long, I will be the 100% full time mom that I hoped to be.

Update

I know I haven’t been posting much lately. I am still going to physical therapy 3 times a week and now I am trying to learn how to take care of the baby on my own again. Not that I need to learn how, it is more of learning my limits and how I have to navigate it all. I have to put extra thought in every move I make. If not, I get pain and I also don’t want to risk hurting myself again.

I do feel stronger though. My exercises changed a little last week. The things I had extreme difficulty with, I am now doing and doing them properly (I had to modify them before).

I try to be alone with the baby for at least 2 hours a day. This doesn’t seem like much and I know most mothers have their babies 24/7, but I am still limited in what I can do.

I will still consider this progress.

As of now, I mostly just have her in the middle of the day. It is mostly during her playtime in between naps.

The next step for me is getting her to go to sleep. She is one of those babies that fight her sleep until she passes out.

Since she goes between my in-laws, my grandmother and my husband, everyone has their own way of putting her to sleep and she knows what to do with each person. I need to work on developing my own routine to get her to sleep.

Sometimes she wants to be walked around the house until she passes out and that isn’t something I am capable of doing just yet. I can hold her while walking for about 5 minutes, but after that I am done.

Also, sometimes when she is fighting her sleep she wants she climb all over you. I can only handle this for so long also until my back starts hurting.

I feel like these are just a bunch of excuses now what I see them written down, but they aren’t. This is my reality and what I am fighting through to gain control of my life back.